This Is How It Goes
by jelly-belly-babe
Summary: Life is always changing and you never know which way it will go. Rated T to be safe. SJ
1. Chapter 1

**This Is How It Goes**

By Bec 2005

Disclaimer: All the usual stuff, all characters to Ch7, Southern Star, etc. Lyrics belong to George 'Breathe in Now' and Missy Higgins 'This is how it goes'

_Life is always changing and you never know which way it will go. SJ_

I sit here. Waiting. He strolls in, shoots a grin to Kelly, a 'Hey Sarg' to Mark and punches Lex on the arm. PJ and Amy are out on a case. Joss is an idiot, but even he'll probably get a 'God what have you done?' or 'You moron, let me' at some point during the day. The Boss is almost insufferable now; lucky for us he stays in his office all day, except for the few occasions when he'll stomp out to yell a warning to someone, before trudging back in. Poor guy really, he's done it tough. I think for awhile we were all waiting for him to simmer down to his old self, after the Baxter ordeal. But it seems the world's hardened him too much for him to melt into who he was. So he sits there, day after day, really just a shadow of the guy we remember. Seems to be catching. I keep my head down as he walks past, I don't want him to look him in the eye. Don't want to see what might be there, or worse what might not be.

There's a sudden whack and I look up reflexively. I catch Joss hastily snatching a lamp off the ground, but my eyes quickly are drawn elsewhere. It is as if for a moment I'm being controlled and I can't look away. My eyes travel to Jonesy, who senses me looking at him and turns. For a moment his eyes meet mine and I tentatively attempt a smile. He looks for a moment and then nods and before he suddenly turns away. What does that mean? That moment he looked in my eyes – was he searching for something? The nod – was it just a dismissive acknowledgement of my presence? Or something else? I quickly shelve that idea – the quick jerk of the head confirms in my mind, that he couldn't wait to tear his eyes off me.

I feel my mind running over the same worn tracks, traveling to a place I've been so many times before of the why's and how's and what if's. And once again it stops at the same destination. The 'you had your chance and you blew it'. Gone are the times I would look up and see him smiling his cheeky grin at me. Hell, he no longer even looks up if I walk out of the station. Gone are the days where the URST was so high between us I suspected the windows were close to fragmenting. There isn't even a spark anymore. Kelly has stopped plotting ways for us to get together – even her eager optimism to see us together has shrunk to the occasional raised eyebrow. She knows it won't happen. I've stuffed him around too much…Jedd, Ben and then Lex…bloody Lex. I'd made such a mess of things. But it hadn't seemed like it at the time.

I felt that I deserved it. I'd asked Jonesy out. A week in advance. We'd booked a restaurant and I was getting excited. After so many mishaps, I thought it was finally happening. And then it comes to the night and I ask him what time he wants to meet and he looks at me with guilty eyes. The Commander was visiting tonight. He knew we'd had plans but his dad had called saying they were having dinner that night. He said he was sorry but that he couldn't let him down. Of course he couldn't. So yet again, he let me down instead.

So I'd walked out straight into Lex, the new leading senior connie who was everything Jonesy wasn't. New, spontaneous and upfront. I was fed up with waiting. I wanted someone who wouldn't beat me around the bush, who wouldn't string me along. Lex was upfront and sincere. And most importantly he was right there.

He bought me a drink. Then I shouted him a round. And it kind of just progressed. It was reckless and stupid. But swimming in anger and frustration and bourbon I felt like I deserved this.

But it was still wrong. And I still fucked his best mate.

The next morning I'd woken up with a sense of reckless abandon. A sense of giddy freedom I hadn't felt in ages. I sat up to a sunny day, a fresh start and a 101 message.

"I'm really sorry about last night Suse. You walked out before I could explain fully, but I understand why you did. Last night was a mess but it was Dylan's one year anniversary. The old guy was doing it tough and wanted me to visit the grave with him. I needed to do it. It was hard stuff, but I'm glad I did it. I'm just sorry you had to suffer because of it. Grab me when you get to work and we'll make arrangements for next time, okay?"

And it all came crashing down.

I found myself running, as soon as I realized what I'd done. I ran through his house, out the door – and smack into Jonesy. I'd forgotten about the change of living arrangements. The fact that they now lived in the same house. For a moment he looked at me and I looked at him. And we both knew.

_Cause I only have one second, this minute today._

His face changed from shock, to disgust, to anger. I wanted to explain but I couldn't. I was frozen. And he then he turned and stormed out, slamming the door. And somehow I knew he was walking out of my life forever.

_Can't press rewind and turn it back and call it now_

All I want to do is go back and do it again. Make it right. But I can't. It's done and set in concrete. I've fucked up my life. I just want out. I want the words that will make him believe me. But they just won't come

_Suddenly I can't stay in this room._

_You'll never sway, and I have nothing left that I can think of to say._

I tried to make it up to him. I did. I tried to talk to him. I tried to explain that I hadn't realized, I was angry and disappointed, I hadn't known. Lex even tried to talk to him but Jonesy wouldn't have a bar of it. He said the thought of his best mate and the girl he thought he loved sleeping together made him want to throw up. He won't let it go. He won't forgive me.

But then, I wouldn't forgive me either.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

Disclaimer: All the usual stuff, all characters to Ch7, Southern  
Star, etc. Lyrics used belong to The Dandy Warhols 'We used to be friends' and No Doubt 'Don't Speak'.

_Life is always changing and you never know which way it will go. SJ_

I look at her once, just trying to catch her eye. To try and catch an insight to what she might be thinking. I used to be able to read her like a book, but not anymore.

She still thinks I'm angry with her. And I suppose I am…kind of. Seeing her that morning and realizing what had happened…I cracked the shits. I know I did. But it was just the thought of her and Alex…together…I guess it made me not only feel betrayed and angry…but jealous. Really jealous, with just one question in my mind – how the _hell_ did he do that? Just blitz in, charm everyone in the station and just sweep Susie off her feet? What does he have that I don't? We've been tip-toeing around each other for so long. I thought we'd finally kind of made progress – found a plateau even, after the mistletoe kiss at the pub – but then after the holiday break we just found ourselves back in the same position as we had been in months earlier. The months with Jedd and Ben and Donna…and then Alex came. And now it kind of seems like it's all over.

_A long time ago_

_We used to be friends_

_A long time ago_

_We used to be friends_

We don't even really talk anymore. The friendship has vanished and that's what I think hurts the most. I love her till the sun goes down but they say that if you love someone enough you'll let them have what they want to be happy – if it was just to be friends I could deal with that I guess….well okay I wouldn't but I would try to live with it. But to have us not talking and her seeing Alex…that's more than I can handle.

_You and me  
We used to be together  
Everyday together always  
I really feel  
That I'm losing my best friend  
I can't believe  
This could be the end  
It looks as though you're letting go  
And if it's real  
Well I don't want to know _

Why couldn't I take the plunge? Why couldn't we just take the plunge together?

Why couldn't I be more forward with her…why _can't_ I be more forward? I mean, with Tess…she never responded to my advances but it still seemed so easy to bounce back and try again…but with Susie…any time I try, it just, seems so hard to get out. I never thought I'd associate these words with myself but its true – every time I try to talk to her my throat tightens and my voice freezes and I'm just tongue tied. Is it because she's the one I'm truly supposed to be with? Or is it because of what happened with Tess? That in some way she has burdened me with this fear of commitment, giving my whole self to someone, in fear that it might just be all thrown back in my face…like when she upped and left. I guess that could be pretty close to the truth.

For a long time I couldn't really come to terms with that. I just pushed it out of my head and concentrated on the task at hand. To do my job. To be the best copper I could be. But it still wasn't enough and the thoughts kept creeping back into my mind and it all came to a head when Donna came into the picture. And I was forced to look and face it.

Unlike the other women in my life, when Donna came along she seemed so uncomplicated, so willing to give. So I let myself fall into it, stupidly, until I was in so deep, I really had to claw my way out of it.

After I did, raw and red I found myself thinking about Tess more than ever. About what had happened between us and about the way she'd left. Even though I knew deep down that moving to Melbourne would be the best for Tess' baby and perhaps with her mother there, maybe even best for Tess herself, I still couldn't comprehend it up front. I just couldn't understand why it hadn't worked between us. Why, even after I'd given her everything I had to give, it still wasn't enough. Why after everything she just upped and left. Left her job, left her home…left me.

By this time she'd been gone for almost a year and she was still on my brain more than I cared to admit. What hurt a lot was that except for a Christmas card, addressed to the whole station - saying that her baby girl Grace had been born and that they were both healthy – I hadn't had any correspondence with her since she'd left. Mind you either had the rest of the station…but I thought I was different. I told her I loved her…I even asked her to marry me for God's sake! Why hadn't she responded? Why hadn't she loved me back? At that point I was ready to throw in the towel. She still plagued my life day in and day out and I just wanted out. I just wanted to get rid of her. No that was wrong…I didn't want to get rid of her…despite the outcome those few years I would never want to forget…because despite all that had happened I'd loved her. I really truly believe I did, and I didn't want to lose those memories of her, because she was a great woman. And I'd just wished there was a way that Tess could take a backseat in my mind so I could concentrate on Susie.

And when I realized this…it just kind of happened. She did. Tess became a memory, instead of a nagging painful thought, like a sore bruise that you keep touching to see if it's better. And suddenly it didn't hurt anymore. And I felt ready. We finally kissed. And then it just kind of crumbled to pieces.

I wonder if during all those months Susie felt that I was holding back …I suppose she would've. Maybe that's what drove her away, into Alex's arms. My mind works this circle over and over, a bundle of jumbled thoughts, like a knotted ball of yarn. I unpick one knot, just to be confronted with another and on it goes. My mind might be clear of Tess but it doesn't mean that this whole thing with Suse has become all that clearer. Although, I have realized two things. For one that we've both made mistakes. We've both at one point or another stuffed each other around and in my view, we should just let the past stay in the past. And secondly…that I really love her. I really do.

And even with everything that's happened I can't believe that we aren't supposed to be together. I just can't. The way I feel about her I can't even put into words except to say that I'd do anything for her. I let one person I loved go. I won't make that mistake twice. I know that she's the one for me. I just wish there was some way I could make her know that.

The thing I want to know the most is whether she loves Alex. If she does…I'm in two minds. The first is saying that if I really love her I should let her go…and if Alex truly makes her happy I should let her be with him. But the other says that if I really know deep down that I love her, which I do, that I should try in any way to make her know that. And that's only because I think she kind of loves me too.

Or at least I thought she did.

Review please!


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